Learnin' the Blues

Striving to become the best at dry wit, sarcasm, irony, and random thoughts and rants. Stick around, I might be funny some day.

Sunday, March 05, 2006

Dear Darren's Landlord,

May I just start by expressing my contempt for you. Yeah, this is a great apartment, but you suck in so many ways it almost pisses you off to think how great a place this could be with your help. When Darren moved in here, we had to fix the half-assed repairs you made. Like that poorly constructed "DIY" unsupported shelf that fell out of the wall. Or figuring out how to stop the water heater from flooding. Or every drain in the house doing the exact opposite of what you want it to do. But let's concentrate on the oven door assaulting me, since that just happened and sent me over the edge. I've been nice, and cooked with that bloody thing, regardless of how hard it is to light the burners. Regardless of how long the oven takes to bake since the door won't close. Or lifting a heavy pan out of there with one hand while trying to hold the oven door so it won't fall off with my other hand. You keep saying you're going to fix it. Well, here's my idea: go out and get me a top of the line oven by next week or the next time that door injures me I'm ripping it off and beating you with it until you bleed money to purchase a new oven with. Cheers!


Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Happy Valentine's Day!

May you all find a Snugglemonster as fluffy and disgustingly cute as mine...and good luck picking up the chicks, too.

Here are a few helpful tips for you guys out there:

Monday, February 06, 2006

Valentine's Day

This atrocity is what the Smithsonian Store suggests as a good Valentine's Day gift. Let me simply state that if this is what I recieve as a gift, I will have wished the usual routine for myself in its stead: not getting a gift or call and spending the evening alone with a movie. Luckily, with my boyfriend, I need not worry about him giving me such a hideous prize. Luckily, for him, he would laugh at this thing and take his leave (ahem) on it and doesn't have to worry about me smashing it and stabbing him with the remaining shards.
Bitter about V-day? Nah. I'll gladly accept nice lingerie anyday. Even from people who will never see me in it, because I'm that greedy about lingerie. It's just that this isn't really my holiday. I've seen way too many people destroy their self-esteems year after year because people who have dates think it's the greatest day for everyone, inadvertantly putting singles down even further than they knocked themselves.
In closing, I'm planning on a particularly nice Valentine's Day this year. I have a great man who was right on the mark with the gifts. But to the rest of you, if I hear once from ANY of my friends that anyone's heart was trampled, I vow to seek you out and hunt you down like Dick Cheney on quail hunters.

Monday, January 09, 2006

The Cure For The Common Cold...

I, Cate the Great, have found the cure to the common cold. Is it a new rapid weight loss pill that's available for just fifteen installments of just $19.99? No. And it doesn't cure the common cold, it just helps your body stop coughing almost instantly. What is it? I'm not going to share it with you so you can beat me to the money. Just kidding. Need to stop coughing fast? Try breaking or cracking a rib. I guarantee your body will help you get your coughing under control asap. Ow! Too much pain for you? Suck it up, because if I have to live with it then you do too...or at least listen to me whine about how much it now hurts to cough. Oh, did I forget to mention how I injured my iron rib cage? I coughed. A. Lot.

This was my favorite result from the image search today. It's the perfect stocking stuffer for me from anyone that knows me.

Bush And Alito

Above is a photo of Bush and Alito today.
Below is them at an earlier date.

"Caring, sharing...Every little thing that we are wearing..."
I just found it cute that they shared wardrobe items more than once. Men, if you're ever going to the White House, bring along a few extra ties so you don't look like you planned.

Sunday, December 25, 2005

Happy Holidays, Everyone!

Warmest holiday wishes to all for some full-contact games with the family. Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah today!

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Best Holiday Quote Ever:

"Merry freakin nuthin, this sucks!"
~Cate's boss of bosses: the store manager, Xmas '04~


My only question is, HOW do you let a tumor in your head grow to 16lbs?!

I understand that no one can help landing a tumor from fate (lung tumors from smoking aside), but how could you let your child's body get so deformed by a tumor? There had to be some form of intervention they could have tried before it got to be 16 bloody pounds...


Sunday, December 18, 2005

Top Ten Ways To Tell I'm Not From Vegas:

1. I eat more than just celery.
2. I don't wear polar gear in 50* weather.
3. Swimming in the heated pool when it's 65* seems natural to me.
4. No fake talon-like nails.
5. My shoes aren't pointy-toed or stilettos.
6. I have natural boobs bigger than a AAA cup.
7. I expect normal public transportation or sidewalks in places other than in front of hotels.
8. Smoking cigarettes isn't my profession.
9. Middle class, to me, means somewhere in between ghetto thugs and paying $200 for a pair of shoes.
10.I'm not a "natural blonde" with an ass-load of rainbow highlights.